Ending a relationship that is abusive, or unhealthy, may come with a few surprises. If there is harm being done in a relationship, we know it can take multiple attempts to try to end the relationship. So, when the break up finally “takes”, you might think the person who did the breaking up would feel relieved. Afterall, they have finally accomplished what they set out to accomplish- the relationship is over. Relief, right?
While there may be relief, there is likely also grief and sadness. This grief is likely unexpected; after all, the relationship was unhealthy. How can one grieve for something that was bad for them? Well, let’s just face it, we do. Here’s why- we do not grieve the loss of the unhealthy parts of the relationship or the parts of the person that were unhealthy. We grieve the person we fell in love with. It may be true that we may have seen less and less of that person as time has passed, and maybe it was hard to see that side of them at all by the end, but we still remember who they were and we are haunted at times with the hopes of who they can again become.
We also grieve the relationship in general. Even a bad relationship can be sad to lose. When it’s unhealthy, there are a lot of bad moments; things we would like to forget. But as is true with everything, nothing is black and white. Where there is bad, there is likely good. So even in this recently ended unhealthy relationship, surely there were moments where you laughed, enjoyed a happy moment, and went on dates together. It is those moments, that companionship, that is missed. While you’re in the depths of the unhealthy relationship it is easy to forget the good times. But suddenly, when the relationship comes to an end, the good times seem to flood our memories like a damn has broken. This is classic grief.
When we experience a loss that triggers grief, we usually have the support of our family, friends, and loved ones. That is not always the case when it comes to grieving our unhealthy relationships. Oftentimes, our friends and family cannot fathom how we could be sad that we lost someone who was not good to us. They don’t understand what we grieve. They feel relief knowing you’re out of the relationship. Likewise, when they hear you are struggling with the loss, it triggers fear in them that you may reunite. We can’t expect friends and family to understand. But, that doesn’t mean your feelings are wrong, or that you deserve to feel bad for your emotions. It’s important to find safe places, safe people, and safe ways to be able to process your feelings. Otherwise, those feelings can manifest into shame. While you are entitled to your feelings, you do not deserve to feel shame as shame has no positive effect on us. Shame hinders our healing.
If you find yourself grieving a relationship that has ended and you need support processing these emotions, contact ThoughtWell Counseling Services…schedule your free 15-minute consultation today.
Written by: Dana Hicks, LCSW
Comentarios